I thought this was Hilarious, it is from the latest New Yorker

Shouts & Murmurs

Fourteen Passive-Aggressive Appetizers

by Yoni Brenner July 21, 2008

1. Top thick slices of country bread with fresh goat cheese. Sprinkle with herbs and bake until crusty; serve to everyone but Jeff.

2. Vegetarian friends? Try veggie rumaki: wrap a strip of imitation bacon around a water chestnut, spear with a toothpick, and broil—but instead of imitation bacon use real bacon, and instead of a water chestnut use veal.

3. Steal Cheryl’s famous potato-salad recipe. When Cheryl asks, “Why did you steal my recipe?,” say, “I don’t know, Cheryl, why did you break my heart?” Then laugh so she knows you’re just kidding.

4. Blend fresh crabmeat with diced avocado, scallions, and a dollop of mayonnaise for a canapé topping so delicious that it will take your guests a full minute to realize that they’re eating it off dog biscuits. Once they catch on, act mortified and stammer that you must have “mixed up the boxes,” until everyone calms down. Then start crying because the biscuits remind you that today marks exactly eight weeks since you had to put down Buster, and you just miss him so much.

5. Tell Marissa that you appreciate her concern, but in the two years since Cheryl broke off the engagement you’ve grown up a lot, and you’re really in a much healthier place now. Then say, “Speaking of fiancés, how’s Peter’s alcoholism?” (Note: This is not technically an appetizer.)

6. For a taste of the U.K., fry up mini-servings of fish-and-chips. Take it to the next level by wrapping them in small pieces of newspaper, which, oddly enough, all seem to be printed with unfavorable reviews of Jeff ’s novel.

7. Have you ever noticed how sun-dried tomatoes and top-grade peyote look exactly the same? Not a suggestion, really. Just saying.

8. Another one for the vegetarians. If they think they like tofu, wait until they sample your delicious mock tofu—all you need is chicken fat, puréed pork loin, and five cups of piping-hot tallow. Cheryl will never know the difference.

9. Tempura makes great finger food, and the batter locks the flavor of just about anything in a savory, opaque crust. Impress your friends with creative choices, from squash blossoms to mislaid car keys to the two-carat engagement ring that Cheryl gave back to you after she “reassessed things.” Surprise!

10. Guests getting antsy? Head them off with a big bowl of steamed mussels. No one can resist mussels, not even emotionally stunted ex-fiancées and their new poorly-received-novelist boyfriends. Besides, disappearing into the kitchen will give you a chance to collect your thoughts and also to go slash Jeff ’s tires.

11. Homemade sugared almonds make the perfect sendoff, sure to please all your guests, even the ones who would be bludgeoning you with a tire iron if Peter weren’t standing between you. Good old Peter. He may not be the brightest or the handsomest person, but he’s very large.

12. As the party disperses, your guests might seem a little ungrateful, calling you an obsessive sociopath or pelting you with sugared almonds. Don’t worry, it’s probably the peyote talking. Just stand on the porch as their cars pull out, your eyes brimming with tears, and shout, “You know, I try, I really do . . .”

13. Add, “My dog died! He died! And he’s never coming back!”

14. Hepatitis! (Note: This is not technically an appetizer.) ♦

Flu, School, Slurpees, Crackers, Buh-Bye Bamboo,

Maple Floors with natural stain

I have had the stomach flu today and last night, the same thing Spencer and Bill both had. Yuck. I ate only a Slurpee and some crackers today. I slept most of the day except where we had to go pick out different floors. Spencer gave me his "Freddie Bear" to sleep with and he told me Freddie would make me feel better. Even without the stomach flu I doubt that anything will make me feel good these days unless its a medically induced coma where I wake up on Halloween. I 'm looking into it. However I DO have the sweetest kid ever. Even though he NEVER, EVER stop stalking.

The Bamboo is out for a couple of reasons.. One because though the flooring is okay in price the stair treads for it would have been like WAAAAAYYY over priced. Something like $100/tread, and we have like 16 I think. SO then we thought about matching some oak to the bamboo just for the stairs and that was the plan.

Then we found out that the white oak engineered wood floor for the upstairs was back ordered and would take a MONTH to come in. NO WAY. SO then we looked at stuff that would match the Bamboo but of course the sample for the bamboo was checked out and we could not match it.

So guess what... we had to start alll over. SO now we will put solid Natural Finish Maple in the livingroom, and engineered upstairs. it all matches with the tile and the other cabinets. It will look nice and it was overall less expensive than the stranded bamboo anyway. Honestly this exact maple was my very first choice, but I was gonna let Bill get what he wanted for the wood floors because he let me have my way with the tile.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah My life is so boring even I don't want to hear about the house anymore... although Habib finished today (for now) and it looks AMAZING. I LOVE Habib. I also referred him to another mom at my preschool, whose daughter is also in Spencer's Karate class. She had an interview with him and it seemed to go well. So he might be doing her bathroom.

Starting Monday Spencer has "Wet and Wild Day Camp:

Wet and Wild Water Camp
July 21-25 Monday-Friday 9:00am-1:00pm
Wet and wild is the word to describe this camp. We will play in and out of water. Experiment with water, colors and bubbles as we explore this fabulous source of fun. Each child will need a supply of water clothes, towels and sunscreen before coming to camp each day. We plan to play outside every day.


I am thinking we could save $ and just hose him down all day for a week, but honestly he loves Teacher Gina, and a lot of his friends are in these camps. Also really this has been a really ADULT summer for Spencer. He is away from his friends on our street for the second summer in a row, and he spends a lot of time getting dragged to flooring showrooms and paint stores etc. That is NOT a four year old's idea of FUN. He LOVES these camps.

The other day I left a message for Dylan T.'s two moms where I was gonna give them a ton of Spencer's clothes that do not fit him anymore. They have two boys, and they are like the only family I know with TWO boys. Anyway but they had just landed in Boston so I will save them for them when they get back. The ones they do not want I will just donate to the Teacher Gina Poop Your Pants Fund, which is not the real name but one I made up for this box in the bathroom at the preschool. Everyone including me is always donating clothes to it. If kid has an ACCIDENT - you know what I mean - they need clothes to change into... weird clothes. But you know they gotta wear something home. So when Spencer comes out of preschool wearing plaid slacks and a striped shirt its pretty obvious what has happened... However, he never has accidents anymore, except when he cannot get the zipper down in time.... so we have to always put him in pants he can unzip himself....he is getting better at it. lately he can get it down most of the time but then cannot get it back up.
This might be TOO MUCH INFORMATION.....
Luckily a lot of companies make pants for boys that LOOK LIKE they have a zipper but they really do not. We are big fans of these pants. around our house... Of course, Spencer spends most of his time in the house NAKED. He starts out dressed and then slowly but surely off come the clothes. I have learned that this is a BOY THING and I am not the only mom who deals with this.

We'll leave the light on fer ye...

We are officially going to be homeless for the month of August. The Ins Co will not pay for another month of rent anywhere because the builder promised them it would be done. The builder is trying to get it done but stuff happens... anyway... so no hotel. SO I guess we are just gonna hit the road with dog and kid in tow.. store my car someplace, and just see what happens. We are starting out at a Motel 6, because unless it is a real vacation I could care less what the room etc is like. We don't want to book like an entire month someplace in case the house DOES get done early. Ideally I do not mind the first week being out, but then I would like to be in the area the second week of August so that Spencer can go to the Day Camp at his preschool he planned to that week... I think it is the last one, Cooking for Kids with Teacher Gina.

Delightful Delicacies Cooking Camp
August 4-8 Monday-Friday 9:00am-1:00pm

Delightful delicacies made with each Child's own hands. A time to explore the science of the kitchen in a safe and satisfying experience. Seeing, touching, smelling and of course tasting are all a big component of this delicious and delightful week.

I would hope he would not have to miss it. Spencer LOVES Teacher Gina...She is a GREAT teacher and a really nice person, even though to me she has a kind of a "Tammy Faye" thing going on... something about the way she looks reminds me of Tammy Faye.

Even if we are not yet in the house we could stay somewhere near there. He could eat Lunchables for lunch.. he likes those... but get this... He never eats the crackers!!! He always just gives them to me.

Teacher Gina, head of Spencer's preschool and Day Camps

We looked into stuff like vacation rentals and stuff, we also thought that maybe we could all head up to Washington State and Bill could get some work done at Luthier Tom's house. OR we could go down to So Cal and stay at his parent's house, but I think that would have to be AFTER the camp ends.. SO who knows. We don't want to rent a house for one month... what a pain, but also it means starting up utilities etc. I do not mind Motel 6. I mean, not FOREVER but to be honest the bathrooms are nicer than the Goat Farm.

I might miss that goat a little. He's a cute little feller. But don't tell anyone...
Oh and get this... all I could eat today was like a slurpee and saltines Seriously. but 7-11 now has CRYSTAL LITE Slurpees!!!! TWO FLAVORS!!!! Mango and Raspberry They are AWESOME.... Cold Slurpee goodness and NO CALORIES!!!!!

CAN YOU STAND IT???? CRYSTAL LITE SLURPEES!!!!

Another thing they grow in Canby.... Miniature Horses.

You know I am not joking about this, honestly. They have a bunch of farms in Canby that grow and breed these Miniature horses.



I know this one lady who knows about horses and I asked her - seriously what are these here for????? I mean what the heck do you do with a miniature horse???? Do they get miniature riders? Do they hire toddler equestrians to do like Mini Hunter Jumper events with them???? Do they pull like Radio Flyer wagons around?

I am not trying to mock anyone here - I simply DO NOT GET IT!!!!

On the other hand, they are awfully cute, and not much bigger than my dog. So maybe we can have one at the new house as a permanent reminder of our spell in the country.

All the news that's fit to print

"I eat breakfast 300 yards away from 4000 goats who are trained to annoy me."

Today we found out that even though the house will not be finished, and the goat farm is out of the question, we will be financially responsible for living someplace else. We have a couple of options, and we are considering different ones. We HAVE TO be out of the Goat Farm because that guy is moving back in.

Also today, with three hours notice, the landlord asked to show the property to a prospective buyer. So we scrapped our plans we had this evening and instead hung out in the HOT HOT house with no AC and 89 degrees CLEANING and putting away our stuff. We had a system going for our packing to leave here, so we had boxes all out everywhere and piles of stuff to throw away, give away etc. We had to put it ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL away, in three hours, so that someone could come in and look at this place. They were here for about 45 seconds. Now we have to practically start over.

When it does cool down a little at night we cannot open the windows, because they are all covered in plastic from the outside. This is because two days ago the exterior painters were here painting, and they left all that stuff up. So its hot, it smells like paint, we cannot open the windows, and we have been set back a week on our packing.

I would say that I cannot wait to get out of here, and this is actually true, but I have no idea where we will go. Wherever it is, I know it will be weird, and we will be paying for it, but it will be temporary. SO In two weeks, we are officially homeless for a month, or however long it takes to finish the house. Am I upset?

Well, in the scheme of things, I mean who should I get mad at first? The list is long, and distinguished, and the fact is I could get mad at the entire world right now and it changes NOTHING.

And after while you just cannot get any more mad. SO much crap has happened in the past year that NOTHING and I mean NOTHING surprises me anymore. So when I hear that once again crap is happening I honestly half expected it. I am a seasoned pro at this now, you know? If you want to screw with my family these days you have to take a number and get really creative to even make a dent in all the crap has already happened.

At the end of it anyway, who wins and loses?? Nothing that has happened in the past year can ever change the fact that we all love each other and we are all committed to the survival of our family. I have a great husband, a great kid and an okay dog who holds me in medium esteem. I may not be a Christian but I know what is real and true, so bring it. My commitment to seeing the nightmare of this past year be completely corrected so that we are whole again cannot be underestimated.

FINALLY cooler today, Doodle is Sick, and Its All Over but the Grouting...

Poor Spencer has been sick, cannot keep anything down, not even water. We are going to call the Advice Nurse soon, and see what they say. Its a cool feature of our pediatrician's office. I guess he will probably not go to Karate today, but I still have WW and to meet Habib at the house. Bill has lots of guitars to finish. I have to call and order a dumpster to be delivered.

Looks like we will be on our own after August 1, and we have a couple of different options I guess, maybe go see Bill's parents, maybe go live in Corvallis in a duplex Bill's friend owns.. Corvallis is like a college town. I think it is where Oregon State U is, home of the Beavers. A friend of ours who lives in CA owns a couple of rentals there and one of them is empty. No furniture, and maybe no AC, but we have lived all summer now practically without it, what is few more weeks.

When you hit the State Line of Oregon you must declare your preference for one of two teams, or take a vow of neutrality. Either you are a Beaver or a Duck. You CANNOT be both. Its the Law. We will be living, possibly, in Beaver Country.

Habib has got the tile really going. Its all over but the Grouting.... get it? grouting? Habib is awesome. He has done an AMAZING job so far!!!!

Gonna be 89 today. Surprise breakfast.

Surprise breakfast.... "Look Mommy I made this for you!!!!"

Headed to house today after I eat the weird "surprise breakfast" that Spencer made me this morning. It consists of weird blue kid flavored yogurt like blue raspberry or some other weird made up flavor and bananas. I am trying so hard to eat some.

Hard to be a mom sometimes. I try hard not to eat many blue foods.... except blueberries.

But it was SOOOO sweet of him to make this!!! However I am grateful he did not add the tortilla chips he was planning to....

Well, now its back to work for Spencer... the naked builder is on the job.

Back to work

Amy the Dawg is unconcerned about the mess at the goat farm... which we have only cleaned up three times since breakfast. Life with a busy four year old.

She's a fine lookin' dawg.

Message to Frank and Joyce: IT IS REALLY ME!!!

I sent Maria a note on Facebook, with my email address!

I am trying to think of something... let's see....

Someone we know was always telling me to "hold on to my Dragon Wings......."

And he once helped me make a pair of glasses for a turtle in Terry's ceramics class. What occurred to me much, much later is that turtles do not have ears.

It was hot today. Again. And there was SMOKE!!!!

This is NOT Mt St Helen's

Shocking.

Its okay I am getting used to 2nd degree burns on my head from running from the house to the car.

Ok the weirdest thing today was this smoke that was in the air coming from a far off mountain, Mt St helen's which is visible to us in Portland but it is pretty far away. I would have sworn it was erupting today!!! However, I guess this is going on, it is a wild fire near there...

here is an article I just found on it.

http://www.katu.com/news/25042474.html

This week Spencer does not have any camp but still has Kempo. We have a lot of packing to do and I have to make 300 phone calls to arrange for dumpsters and storage units and rental furniture pick up OH MY. BUT Because he has no camp this week and Bill still has instruments to finish before he has to stop working ebcause of yet another move, I have to keep Spencer out of his hair. it will be 85 tomorrow, the goat farm has no AC.... Have I mentioned that before????

Maybe I can just drag him with me places...

We went to McDonalds for breakfast - we had not been there in a while and also because it was 9 AM and already 85 on the goat farm, and Spencer played on the playland thing and spilled his milk. He spills his drink EVERY TIME in McDonald's, but the staff there is great. They see him walk in the door and I hear them yell, "Get the mop ready, Spencer is here!"

We made several trips to The Storage unit etc. and then we shopped a bit and then we came home and I made Homemade Salsa Fresca. It was pretty good, actually and we grilled some flank steak that we had been marinating for like three days. Siri gave me the recipe and we thought we would have one last decent cooked dinner before we have to pack up the kitchen and move to the van down by the river.

Well I have to go watch "The Next Food Network Star." I have to enjoy my Tivo while we still have a place to plug it in. Residence Inn (I am HOPING we get to go there for a month) has great stuff a pool, free breakfast, normal water, housekeepers, cable - all good things but NO TIVO. I am gonna miss a LOT of Project Runway but I have heard you can watch a lot of that stuff online anyway.

I CURSE YOU, Surprising Sharks! A Library Confessional - Plus: TIME TO MOVE!!! AGAIN!!!!

Turns out stupid sharks are NOT that surprising, but mostly just a pain in the a**

Sharks and Library Crimes

Well today was the big day that I FINALLY located the book that has eluded me through 4 online renewals and 39 days overdue.....""SURPRISING SHARKS."

I have been looking for this stupid book FOREVER, so that I can now skulk inside the Canby Library, possibly in disguise, dutifully pay my fine and remove the now tarnished Chapin Family Name from the Clackamas County Top Ten Most Wanted Overdue Book Criminals List.

There is not really a list, but if there was, we would be be the Reading Public's enemy number one. I am not sure what happened.... Hey, you know... stuff happens....

We were doing so great there for a while but then after a while we just got so busy with the house and packing and all of this stuff, and then camp and swimming and Kempo and everything else that we sort of flaked on our library books Once in a while I would come across one and go turn it in sneakily in the night drop box, but I thought I had them all and then I looked at the online account thing and there it was... "SURPRISING SHARKS."

SURPRISE!!!!!!! I missed a book on the list and forgot to turn it in when I thought I had turned them all in!!!!!

This is the worst crime I have committed against the library since I defaced a cookbook last fall.

It was not really a crime, more of a countercrime... You see, I rented this Paula Deen cookbook last fall and in there was her recipe for this really great sounding cake: Sweet Baby Jack Carrot Cake.. Well someone had literally RIPPED some Pages out of this book - it was NOT ME... I WOULD NEVER EVER do that... I sepnd a lot of time copying recipes out of library books on to index cards. HOWEVER some idiot did that, and so the cake recipe was there but the FROSTING recipe was cut off. How can you have carrot cake with no frosting???? SO I looked up the recipe for the frosting online, and I took a sticky note and in pencil I wrote out the recipe for the frosting and stuck it to the carrot cake recipe of the book. Is that a crime???? Maybe but the first crime was the idiot who ripped out the book in the first place.

What I should have done was to tell the library about the idiot with no soul who ripped several pages out of the book in the first place, but then they would see my sticky note. So I did not. However, I DO have TWO "I LOVE MY LIBRARY" lawn signs up - one here at the goat farm and one at the real house. There is an election this fall, crucial for the survival of the Clackamas County Library system.

Moving is FUN!!!!!

You know most people would say they hate moving, but not me... I realllly reallly like it. I like it SO MUCH that I have moved TEN TIMES in the past year and a half.

There is nothing like waking up not knowing were you are going to live next month and having to pack alllll of your family's belongings into cardboard boxes. Again. The sound of the tape gun, the smell of the cardboard... it just makes my heart SING!!!! Then knowing we get to make 2679 round trips in the van filled with boxes and furniture and exploded crap - from rental to storage to house to storage to rental to Pod to storage to old house to new house to rental to barn to Mars to rental - WOW!!! That makes it Extra Special. This is EXACTLY how I wanted to spend this past year. Why do crafts with your kids when you can MOVE??? Why get more involved in your child's preschool when you can be MOVING??

SO far, in the last 500 or so days, we have moved

1. Feb 2007: Into our master bedroom for 4 weeks during the FIRST remodel
2. April 2007 From Sploded House to Residence Inn when house exploded
3. June 2007 From Residence Inn to Faux Chateau after 5 weeks
4. Summer 2007 All the rest of the crap from the house that did not come with us to Faux Chateau moved FROM Sploded house into STORAGE UNIT
5. November 2007 From Faux Chateau to Goat Farm
6. December - March 2008 Close the storage unit, Move all that crap into barn at the goat farm.
7.July 2008 Now move all stuff we were PLANNING to move right into the house out of the Barn and the goat farm instead INTO POD and/or one of two New Storage units
8. August 2008 Move ourselves and One Month's supplies off goat farm into some other rental that we still do not know where it is or what it will be yet... but I am guessing it will be A Van Down By The River. But not our van. We have to sell it.
9. September 2008 IF house is EVER completed, Move stuff from POD and Storage unit into real house. Finally.
10. September 2008 Then move ourselves and One Month's Supplies back to the house.

I have to go. I have to get more packing tape and I am out of Vermouth again.

Over 31 million of you voted and the results are in..Thanks to all who voted.

We shall use the lighter shade of grey on this house

With the decorative rocks seen on this house

We have finally chosen the EXACT paint color for the exterior of our house, as well as those decorative rocks thingies that go on the outside. Hey - I warned you it would be a BORING color. We are not exciting people. These are both houses in Builder Nick's neighborhood, which he built but also lives in. Nick builds entire subdivisions, but unlike a lot of builders in these kinds of subs he really does not just slap them together etc.. Nick is really careful about the details and his finish work is just amazing. Only one of the many reasons we chose him to rebuild our fabulous imaginary mansion.....

So the "rocks" house is actually Nick's next door neighbor, and the "paint" house is a house across the street.

The trick is, you have to picture these materials and paint on YOUR house, which is a bit more difficult.

I'm REALLLLLY hoping the Porta Potty is not staying, but after this last development, all bets are off.

However, for myself, since I have such an inflated and overzealous sense of grandeur, I can pull it off.... You see, its really all about living in that imaginary house in your mind. I like to remove myself from reality (if you lived with a goat you would too) and picture living in a vaguely familiar house that I am decorating in my mind. Of course, who knows if we ever will move in to said house.... it may be YEARS AWAY. However, I have a rich inner life which affords me the ability to completely suspend reality. It is a gift, and a burden. I equate it to staying in a really nice hotel: Yes, for the past 448 days I have lived in Motel 6 - the opulent Goat Suite. But once a looooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time ago I spent some time at a Holiday Inn Crowne Plaza. Though it was only short time, and we may NEVER EVER stay there again, I do have a fond remembrance of it. Thus, even though I will be living in Motel 6 UNTIL THE END OF TIME I can still decorate this imaginary hotel room I called home ONCE UPON A TIME.

I'd love to write more, but I just drained another case of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum, so I'm off to the store. Oh that's right, I need to make myself a reminder note - I always forget the mixers. I'll make a list....let's see..... Hawaiian Punch, Pineapple Juice, Draino, V8 Juice, V-05, Vermouth, propane and Oh I almost forgot, Liquid Plumber, Maraschino Cherries. And anchovy olives. Yeah, that should about do it for at least two more nights.

I said I don't want a whale in a box or a bag.: The funniest thing I have ever seen on You Tube.

I wanna leave Bennigan's.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLd22ha_-VU

Seriously. I said I don't want a whale in a box or a bag.

These are pretty funny too...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1-NZWtTJYI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NWE3px40_g&feature=related

Article I found: Eat this stuff.

11 healthiest foods you probably aren't eating

(FYI: I already eat some of these: Pomegranate juice, cabbage, Cinnamon, blueberries. But not all at once.)

I'm not a big fan of "superfoods." I think there are a lot of foods that are super, and I think that most of them are easily accessible to the vast majority of people. Focusing on one funny-sounding food as a nutritional miracle does a disservice to the more common fruits and veggies we eat every day.

So I'm thrilled that the NYT Well Blog made a list of 11 healthy (but not uncommon) foods that we aren't eating, and that, for the most part, everyone will recognize the foods on the list.

Not only will you recognize them, but you'll probably even be able to get them at your local grocer. The idea behind lists like this is that we all should be eating a wide variety of foods, to ensure that we're getting the proper vitamins and minerals. So every time you add a new food to your palate, you're also adding a new source of good nutrition.

So here's the list:

• beets
• cabbage
• Swiss chard
• cinnamon
• pomegranate juice
• prunes
• pumpkin seeds
• sardines
• turmeric
• frozen blueberries
• canned pumpkin
  
  

What about you? Is there a healthy food you aren't eating? Check out the gallery below for foods you ought to embrace.

Gallery: Color your diet with these fruits and veggies

HABITUS INTERRUPTUS, DAY 447 - Have you met my friend, Captain Morgan???

Me, in a month.

I should just rename this blog "ENDLESS COMPLAINING."

Here in Portland it is balmy 94 degrees at 8 PM. The A?C in the Goat Farm of course is useless, and we now cannot open the windows because there are people here painting the outside.

Today we found out that our house will NOT be finished, and we will have to be out of it for an EXTRA MONTH. Move in date: Sept 1. That means we will now miss the SECOND ENTIRE summer in our neighborhood, including the Corn Lady etc. However, not only that, it is likely that we will be on our own financially as far as where we will have to stay until the house is done. There probably will be no hotel or whatever, because naturally we have to fight the power at every single step. Bill will lose all those weeks of work, and we will literally have no place to live. This means in all likelihood we will be staying at Grandma's house in So Cal. Not terrible, we love her, I love her house, and I truly love spending time with her. She is SUCH a special person....but it is hot down there in the summer, and we will be far away, so any decisions re: the house or lawyers etc will have to be made while we are like 17 hours away. Oh and we probably have to sell the van so those 17 hours will be driven in a teeny Toyota, with a four year old and a dog.

I am from MICHIGAN and ask anyone, I CANNOT deal with heat of any kind. I just CANNOT. I turn into this horrible beast in the heat and it is truly terrible. Seriously I try to be as nice as I can but as the temp rises and there is NO RELIEF, I just cannot manage it. I am mean, nasty miserable, horrible....EVEN MORE THAN USUAL. It is really spoiled and immature but I am not denying that. I am not trying to hide it, I just KNOW MYSELF. I am not PROUD of this, but I know my limitations.

I had one goal and that was to make it to July 31 with the crappy AC on the goat farm and now that is going to be delayed in four of the hottest most miserable weeks of the year.

I KNOW there are tons of people who do not have AC and modern conveniences and they so much worse off than I am and I feel like a total ass for complaining, which is just an added bonus really... I mean there are soldiers in Iraq getting limbs blown off, people living in FEMA trailers still three years later, there are people with sick children, or sick relatives and people who are sick themselves. People are losing their jobs, their houses and their lives to predatory lending practices or whatever...

Cap'n Morgan

So I am an idiot, I KNOW, but its gonna be REALLLLLY hard not to start drinking. And I don't really drink. I mean one glass of wine with dinner and I almost pass out asleep. But this might be the time to start.

In order to get through this I am just going to have to suck it up and try to control the things that I CAN BE in control of, which are things like trying hard to be a good mom, going to Bionic Curves, Weight Watchers, packing - Stuff like that. It will be hot, and difficult, but I am going to try to make the best of it and be the drunkest, physically fittest, most effective murderously angry parent in the state of Oregon.

The REAL Edmund Fitzgerald.... probably did not even see it coming...

Edmund Fitzgerald... the boat

Edmund Fitzgerald, the guy.
And Mrs. Fitzgerald.
This poor bastard looks like he is having a really great day... "WOW! They are naming a ship after me??? COOL! AWESOME!"

On the way home from dropping of Spencer to Simply Science Camp today I was listening to Sirius Satellite radio in the van, you know the brand new van that we love but that we have to sell very soon to pay for legal fees? That van. "Whole again..." that's a good one. Anyway...

OF course I was listening to the 70's channel as always and on came this emblematic song of the 1970's "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald." It was huge in Michigan, and I grew up in Michigan,so of course I listened to all 19 minutes of it....but it got me thinking that get this... that guy Edmund Fitzgerald, whomever he was, probably thought the day they named a ship for him WOW!!! SUPER!!!! That is probably a REALLY great day for him you know? Little did he know that one day it would sink, and then Gordon Lightfoot would write a pretty kooky song about it, a song so very long that people would end up just making fun of it.

Captain Dou***bag and his lame anthem

Let's face it, its not exactly fun to dance to.... I mean, the first 200 times you hear it, it is moving and sad. At the 201st playing of it, it gets old.

Here is the story of the ship. set to the song...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iquCHSkmUek

So it got me wondering just who this Edmund Fitzgerald guy really was. SO I looked on Wikipedia, because you KNOW it is ALWAYS correct....

On February 1, 1957, Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin contracted Great Lakes Engineering Works (GLEW), of River Rouge, Michigan, to design and build an ore bulk carrier laker for Northwestern. The contract contained the stipulation that the boat be the largest on the Great Lakes. GLEW laid the keel on August 7 of that year, and some time between then and her christening and launch on June 8, 1958, Northwestern announced their decision to name the boat for their President and Chairman of the Board, Edmund Fitzgerald, whose own father had himself been a lake captain.^[2][3]

Over 15,000 people attended the Fitzgerald's launch. The event was troublesome. When Mrs. Edmund Fitzgerald went to christen the boat by smashing a champagne bottle over the bow, it took her three swings to break the bottle. The launch was delayed 36 minutes while the shipyard crew struggled to release the keel blocks. Upon launching sideways into the water, the boat crashed violently into a dock.^[4]

I think the saddest part of all was that this wreck WAS a REALLLY sad event, and a lot of people died that day, but the song is so very crappy that it minimizes the event... eclipses it.

This is an article about the real Edmund Fitzgerald and how the sipwreck overshadowed his life.
http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=369506

Anyway I found out that old Edmund was an insurance dude. Now I don't feel as bad for him. Just for the men on that ship who died, and their families, who will be forever immortalized by Gordon Lightfoot. Now that is the real tragedy, in my opinion.

Simply Science, Packing Panic,

SO now we have like 25 days left on the Goat Farm, we do still have to get everything packed into the POD fro transport to our still as yet unfinished house. What will make this a little easier is that Spencer is at SIMPLY SCIENCE camp this week until 1 every day. I am not sure how this will differ from the science he does all the time at that preschool, but he loves it all so he will probablyhave fun. His buddy Dylan T will be ther for sure. I assume they will go on nature walks touch goldfish learn about nature and the life cycle etc. Spencer talked to us endlessly about lifecycles this year. He asked us constantly about what thing do and do not have life cycles. Does a house have a life cycle? A popsicle? Do Dogs have life cycles?

Well I know a house does. At least ours did.

We may not be able to move into the house right on the 31st of July. It might not be ready and we have decided that we will just get everything out of the goat farm, pack it into the pod,. have the POD moved to the in front of the house and then go on a road trip for like a week.

I'd like to type more but Spencer is at Day Camp and I need to go enjoy the silence. And read my Vanity Fair. That kid NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER stops talking. its like a running monologue from sun rise to sunset, and even after the sun sets he is still talking. If he runs out of stuff to say then he just starts singing.

I am pretty sure the idea vacation for me would be a vacation from him. Seriously from the dog the goat, the kid everyone... I need a REAL vacation a SILENT vacation where I do nothing but sleep and read books and magazines and sleep some more. Quietly.

Even Habib is annoying me.. hahha not really but he sent me his new invoice attached to this email today and instead of the invoice it was a picture of some bricks. Did he want to be paid in bricks? I cannot manage bricks, but I do have a shed full of used kitchen cabinets and three used sinks.

Back home from mini vacation, or "STAYCation"

Spencer, all "juiced up," on the toddler version of The Lost Weekend.

It was fun, sort of restful but Spencer was just awful. I mean, I think he is going through a phase he is four, but what a PILL he was!!! Still, we did swim in the pool and stuff. He is still very sweet but he is just reallllly acting up these days. One thing I know was different and I am not sure this makes a difference, is that we normally do not give him juice. I used to fill his lunches for preschool with a juice box, some fruit snacks etc.. lots of crap. They all said, these products, that they had a ton of Vitamin C etc you know? But then when you realllly look at it its nonsense... its just a ton of sugar. So this past year we started giving him an 8 oz bottle of water in his lunch, along with some turkey and cheese cut up, OR half a PB & J sandwich that is made with LOW SUGAR Jam and organic bread and Peanut Butter, and some of those 100 calorie packs like baked cheetos, or those 100 cal cookies... this kind of thing. When he wants dessert he eats FRUIT. In fact he is a FRUIT JUNKIE. Seriously.

The new lunches and the changed to his diet seemed to help and he was in a better mood gradually Finally I just banned all those fruit snacks and juice boxes from the house. However, on this trip I did not want to drag all that water with us so I just got a ten pack of Minute Made apple white grape juice boxes. They had no added sugar and no high fructose Corn syrup so I though we were okay.

WRONG. The kid was like a drunk on a bender with these things!!! He never gets juice anymore and he went a little nuts. He was a total crab, he drank like eight of them and he was at his worst behavior!!!

It did not help that it took us 3 hours to drive the 37 miles to Vancouver, WA on Thursday. This is because are you ready for this????

http://blog.oregonlive.com/breakingnews/2008/07/crash_shuts_down_interstate_20.html

A guy from CANBY I guess ROBBED a BANK then made the police chase him then finally crashed and get this.. they CLOSED DOWN THE ENTIRE NORTH BOUND I-205 We had to get off, go around the city, pick up the I-5 and then of course got stuck in THAT traffic too. We spent like over an hour just sitting on the Morrison Bridge. NIGHTMARE.

http://www.koin.com/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=701674AE-F0EB-4347-88C7-5682641A2BAE&gsa=true

I guess no one was hurt in the crashes, but what an IDIOT. Oops I cannot say IDIOT anymore.. I can just hear Spencer... "Idiot is a bad word, Mommy."

It is good to be back, even to the Goat Farm. Although it is time now to call an end to hard Hat Harry for awhile Spencer actually recited the DVD to us all weekend. We saw a truck full of logs and he says, "MOMMY LOOK! A truck full of freshly sawn logs is heading to the saw mill to be cut into smaller pieces for use in the lumber industry!"

Wow. That was very very frightening. No more Hard Hat Harry for a while.

FOUND!!!!!! BILL FOUND IT!!!!

You cannot really see it well here with my crappy camera phone, but here it is. IT IS BACK!!!!

Bill found my engagement ring just now. It was under the bed, though I have NO IDEA how it got there. WOW that was scary. I looked up the price to buy a new one (not that we were gonna, PROBABLY NOT) but it said that one was like 7 or 8 K. That is not an expensive ring to some people maybe, and its maybe not even a lot of money to a lot of people, but it is a LOT to spend to replace one piece of jewelry. That is like a YEAR of some private schools (in the Lower School at least), or the payoff on the Toyota, or lots of other stuff.

WOW. THAT IS A huge relief. We will be gone two days and I am trying to NOT bring the computer. I hope everyone has a safe fun exciting and enjoyable 4th of July!!!!!

Gobs of Knobs. 4th of July, Critters.

Ever wanted to know what 80 knobs looked like?

Today I had to go to Home Depot and buy knobs or drawer pulls or whatgever it was going to be for alllll the cabinets in the house. I was looking forward to this trip, because the knobs and drawer pulls are one little place tobe a little creative. However when I got there, I sat down in my office, (the lawn furniture dept of Home Depot - we spend a LOT of time at HD and this is where I hang when we need to make big decisions, such as arguing over exterior paint, or what lawn mower to buy. I tell Bill "Let's go to the office and talk about it") for a minute to go over my list and add up just how many drawer pulls vs. knobs I would need. When I did the math it turns out I have over 74 cabinets to put knobs on. SEVENTY FOUR. .... WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN????

Then I thought about getting just the T Bar ones we liked for maybe the KITCHEN ONLY and then you know get the cheaper ones for the other rooms. That was not going to work as there were like 46 of these in the kitchen alone. Each one of those really nice T bar handles costs between $4 - $7 EACH... EACH!!!!!!!!!! If I had to get like 46 of them, that is a LOT of money. Plus I would have had to figure out you know which cabinets were drawers and what sizes they would need, and then which ones needed longer handles and which ones needed medium and short etc and which ones needed only drawer pulls. I owuld have been there ALL DAY. As it was I could not even deal with being there while I was there - It was SO HUMID inside that store it was just GROSS!!!!

I could not just neglect my assignment, no matter how much i wanted to look at washing machines... I had a mission.

Then I saw them... out of the corner of my eye... TEN PACKS of really cool knobs, all shaped like footballs. They felt really good too, like when you would pull the drawer or whatever open there were no ridges or whatever and they were not at all as expensive.

Lot's o Knobs.

I strolled over to the kitchen displays and looked at all of the knobs on those places. They were fine, but even thought they were REALLLLLy expensive NONE of them were as nice as the ones that were in the bulk packages.

SO there they are. I bought 80 of them... When I got home I showed Bill one box and I asked him how he liked them, and he said that they were just OKAY. I said, "Well, I am reallly sorry to hear that, because I have 7 more boxes of these in the car."

Turtle drawer pull, going in Spencer's bathroom, eventually

I am sure there will look nice. I found some cute turtle ones online for Spencer's bathroom, but I am not going to order them now, because we are not going to be here at this house much longer and we cannot ship to the Sploded house yet.

How the knobs will look. Maybe.

Habib was there today, and things are shaping up.

Still no sign of my engagement ring. We have looked and looked and looked.

Tomorrow we are going out of town (35 miles out of town, exactly) just to get away for the 4th of July. No one in our neighborhood is in town this year, so the big S. Sycamore 4th of July Spectacular is off. We are just going to stay in a hotel for two nights, and this place has an outdoor pool and stuff. We figured we can swim in the pool with Spencer and teach him more swimming stuff. its not a big deal but it will be good to just GET OUT OF TOWN for a bit. We cannot be gone too long, as Spencer has another camp starting on Monday "SIMPLY SCIENCE CAMP" but also Bill has a couple of instruments due to go out, and we have house crap to do.

I am freaking out here right now because I am alone in the house with Spencer, who is asleep in his fire engine bed. Bill went with Steve to his weekly Blues Jam at Duff's. They usually get back late and I SWEAR I heard something on the roof just now..SERIOUSLY. Like a big animal thing moving around up there...

OK NOW the thing that was up there is like whimpering outside on the deck.. Seriously... I do not need this. I cannot see what it is, because it is dark but also because I am just refusing to look. Who do you call with something like this???? The Vet? The Cops?? I know the Police would just laugh at me, like everyone else here in "The Country" does... Just like those weird Amish 4H kids at the Wilco Farm store that one time.

I REALLLLLLY need to get off this Goat Farm.

Spencer did say something funny today though. I think they have been learning about how to save the Earth in his Preschool Day Camp recently. He was that I had accidentally left some fan on for longer than I should have and turned it off and told me "Mommy the world is not going to be happy if you leave this fan on all night. You have to shut it off so the world will not be sad."

Well I have still a bunch of laundry to do to get ready for our Mini Trip, and I have to locate Bill's bathing suit among other things.

Did I mention that Oregon is a state full of total pyromaniacs? The first 4th of July I spent in our neighborhood I was pretty much under my bed the entire time. I was like "INCOMING!!!!!"
These people go INSANE over fireworks. They sell them everywhere. I mean on at least three corners in Canby is a fireworks tent with a sign saying who the proceeds of the sale are benefiting. The one I drive by all the time goes to the Canby High School Band. People sit around and grill on their front lawns, and then sit outside and wait for the fireworks at Trost Elementary to start. However, before they start everyone lights off their own.. In our neighborhood we all usually know the plan and so we start all buying some and then giving them to either Dave or Steve or one of those guys and we all pool them. Then on the 4th they light them all off one by one and the kids go insane. We just usually get the ones from Costco and give them to Mormon Dave. They come in a big box and I have no idea what they are or how to light them.
They put them all together, and take turns lighting them and one guy runs the hose to stop any residual fires and its pretty loud but kind of fun.

However, no one is gonna be home this year! Policeman Steve is going to visit his buddy from HS in So Cal (actually that guy is the actor Patrick Warburton - PUDDY!!!! They grew up together, and they are still friends and Puddy has a cabin they go to), Lees when to Mexico, Meads are going to Eugene, Mormon Dave is going somewhere I cannot remember and we technically do not live there yet. SO we will spend the 4th in beautiful exotic Vancouver Washington.

Tiny Town

Picture from the store of TINY TOWN CARPET. This is going in Spencer's room. He picked it out.

Sample of a tree in Tiny Town, which has a country scene, an airport, train tracks, roads, a city, a train station - all kinds of stuff he can run his little cars on.

We ordered the rest of the flooring today and Spencer got kids carpeting in his room called TINY TOWN. He loves it. He was really mad that we did not let him put it in the entire house.

http://www.kidcarpet.com/product.php?pID=51


Still no ring. I think it may be gone for good. We looked ALLL DAY.

Breaking News

It looked sort of like this, but bigger and more linear, and the diamond is not "champagne" colored.

I lost my engagement ring. I have three: My original wedding band, which has emeralds and diamonds, a diamond eternity annversary band and then my engagement ring, which is an east/west bezel set 14k yellow gold set oval diamond. Guess which one is missing? The engagement ring, of course.

Here is the weird thing. I take them all off at the same time and put them in the SAME PLACE EVERY NIGHT. I have a watch, a necklace and the three rings I wear every day. I rarely wear them separate: like the rings without the watch etc.

Took all three off last night, this morning the watch, necklace and two rings were there but no diamond. We have looked EVERYWHERE.

I would guess that that ring was probably at least $5K TEN YEARS ago. There probably is NOT going to be another one if this one is gone. I'd say the chances of that are zero to minus negative zero.

It sucks. I really loved that ring. But this is about "par for the course" as far as this year is going.