THIS GUY's BREAD IS KILLER!!!! And so is the guy I think? READ THIS

Whatever you can say about crime, at least there are some criminals out there that turn things around and make the world a better place. THis is what this guy DAVE did and he went on to create the co DAVE'S KILLER BREAD

YOU HAVE TO CHECK OUT THIS SITE AND READ HIS STORY,
and then RUN to where he says you can find his organic bread It is FANTASTIC!!! I cannot eat a LOT of breat but I do have the same turkey sandwich every day so I try to get those two slices to be really healthy. I just tried his Flaxseed and other seeds stuff and it was INCREDIBLE!!!! AND all organic etc.

AND I am proud to say, he is from PORTLAND!!!!!!!

You HAVE to check out this site, You HAVE to try this bread.

http://www.daveskillerbread.com/flashy/index2.htm

Got a lot of stuff done, and also: Exciting News!! I FOUND the WEIRD LAMP!!!!

Today I went to the movies with my friend Siri. We saw LIONS for LAMBS Clearly a message movie b ut still interesting. To me, Meryl Streep will NEVER age, though she was never ever more gorgeous than while in Manhattan, Out of Africa, and Sophie's Choice. Even all of that Auschwitz make-up could not hide her beauty.

We also watched some of our Netflix movies the weekend, including, REIGN OVER ME and YEAR OF THE DOG. The first I liked and it was weird but good. YEAR OF THE DOG I thought I would like but did not. Bill is actually watching The Departed right now. It seems very very violent. I do not like scary or horror or very violent movies. Some I will watch. you know like Saving Private Ryan... i watched that but I had to do it over a couple of days..It was horrific. But this seems very violent and I think life is scary enough.

Then tonight I baked some Pumkin-Cranberry-Walnut bread - three loaves. Some to give away and some to keep and freeze. I found the recipe on www.Epicurious.com which is a great site. I am bringing some to Matt's house tomorrow AM because his wife just had shoulder surgery. I will be working M-F for a while now and no more Saturdays.

BUT the most exciting thing that happened this weekend was this: I FOUND THE LAMP!!!!!

My entire life we had this lamp in our house. When I moved, I took it with me. All I knew about it was that it was an antique, and that my mother bought it in Italy in 1956.
It hung in our family room and it was absolutely indescribable.

Well when I sold that house I took it with me. I was going to hang it in our PERMANENT house, if we ever had one. We moved a LOT before we got to Oregon, and honestly we packed it up and kept it safe through like 7 moves.

Then when we got to Oregon, it took us like a year just to unpack all of our crap. Then we were going to remodel the house etc. I was always going to hang it somewhere in the house, but I was going to wait until we were done remodeling. That thing was packed to the max with all kinds of bubble wrap and peanuts and all of that stuff. IT was just DAYS away from getting hung in the house, because we were ALLLLLMOST done witht he remodel, but then the EXPLOSION happened. the lamp did not survive and not only was it BROKEN it was burned, crushed, you name it UNRECOGNIZABLE except for the weird frame thing. I was crushed when I saw that we had last it, but whatever.


In order to claim this lampto the insurance co, I had to find it on the internet and I had been searching for weeks about it. THIS WEEKEND I FINALLY found it at an antique store in the Bridgehampton, NY.

it was made by a company called VENINI in 1940, and it could have been worth quite a bit, considering that other much smaller (this one is about 14 inch tall and 9 in wide.and younger pieces from this company that I found are worth like three thousand at least. SO who knows. This photo is exactly my lamp, but mine had amber glass and it was not opaque. Otherwise, this is the exact lamp, in all of its glorious weirdness. So at least I got THIS accomplished this weekend. I found my hideous weird lamp.

Have a big list of crap to do today and the rest of the weekend, but I probably will not get to all of it.

First of all, newsflash the dog is out of surgery and she is fine, she just has to wear the conehead thing for a couple of weeks, and that should be fun. I swear Bill loves that stupid dog so much, he is probably on the internet right now looking for a dog acupunturist that makes house calls or some crap. He is probably on www.organic-nutraceuticals-for-optimum-canine-health.com right now...

I guess we are busy doing what we feel like doing, which is the point of holidays. Spencer is watching this kids show about these weird but friendly neon SLOTHS called "Its a Big Big World" and BOB THE BUILDER episodes that I TIVO'd for him.

I have to send some stuff out, write my annual Christmas letter, mail three of the netflix, sign something and take it to RJ's office, get the turkey off the bone, fill out more sheets of claim forms, sign something else and get it to Herb, the new lawyer who is the ROBIN to Joel's BATMAN, Hopefully get all my Christmas cards out, stuff like this I guess. I have no real plans, except for on Sunday my friend Siri and her husband and son Steve and Travis are coming over. Steve and Bill and Travis and Spencer are gonna hang together here on the goat farm and find stuff to do while Siri and I go to a movie. We think we are going to see one of a couple ones. Maybe LAMBS FOR LIONS or DAN IN REAL LIFE or who knows there are tons of movies playing.

I have tons of laundry to finish and a lot of other crap, not to mention we now have to keep one dog still and quiet and keep the other dog from jumping on her. That should be fun. I also might order a new winter jacket, since I lost weight and my old one is hanging on me really a lot. I have been wearing it sort of as a monument to losing weight but then I got the hint that MAYBE I need a new coat when I was in Starbuck's the other day getting a present for Matt's wife who had surgery, and they were looking at me like I was homeless or something, and like i was about to steal things. I was like "I know I LOOK homeless, but honestly Its just that my house blew up and we had to move again, for the third time in 6 months, and I cannot find half my clothes, I have a toddler who not only got his catsup (ketchup?) all over me but who also keeps me so busy I do not have time to comb my hair even, oh, and my 7 year old coat is like four sizes too big but I am happy about it so I wear it....but seriously? I do not, as of YET, live in a van down by the river....but I am sure if Canby Telephone had its way.......well, never mind..."

Yeah, I'm a dork.

OH and IPLAW - I FINALLY found some of that MOONSTRUCK chocolate at Whole Foods. Apparently it is so exclusive they do not sell it in the Portland Metro area South of the I-205. But then., who can blame them? Everyone knows the riff raff live in Wilsonville... hahahah
I was going to get some earlier as a gift to Joel, but I could never find any and it seemed silly to order it online. I looked and looked for it at Lamb's where they said they carried it in Wilsonville and they never had any. It did show up in one of the Christmas catalogues, though, called RED ENVELOPE.


Oh and one more thing... I love AL Gore - in fact, prior to the current administration, he was one of only two Dems I ever voted for in my entire life. BUT as fascinating as it is, I have never stayed awake through his movie An Inconvenient Truth. I get the importance and I WISH I could say I have seen it but I CANNOT STAY AWAKE during it. Not so far, at least.


SO what are all of you doing this weekend??? All NONE of you who are reading this? hahaha

A Good Time Was Had By All, except the dog.

Well the Whole Foods Thanksgiving dinner was pretty great. Much better than I could have done. However it was not as great as I remember it being last year.. but anyway..
TO be honest the Organic Preroasted Diestel turkey was INCREDIBLE , probably the best turkey we have ever had in our lives. Realllllly great. The gravy was just OKAY, the stuffing was just OKAY, the pumpkin pie was JUST OKAY, same with the brussel sprouts, the dinner rolls and cranberry sauce. I actually made my own cranberry sauce with oranges and toasted walnuts. The mashed potatoes were pretty good, and the sweet potatoes with apricot glaze were really really good.

SO what I am thinking is, maybe NEXT YEAR we buy the turkey there, and the sweet potatoes and maybe nothing else. I can make better stuffing, probably can get better gravy and other stuff.
We dont even like pumpkin pie that much. We did also get two small other desserts, a teeny pecan pie and a teeny Cranberry walnut tart.

THe pecan pie was great and we should have bought a whole one but them who needs that much delicious pecan pie around the house? So we got a small one that was the equivalent of about a slice and a half. HOWEVER Bill and I got a few bites and we left it on the table. I took a few bites of the cranberry walnut tart and that was awful and I threw it away. THe dogs got up around the table after dinner and got into stuff even though we had put almost everything away. Missy ate the rest of the pecan pie and half a stick of butter. Amy ate some dill dip. Stupid dogs.

SO I think next year I will make the sides and get the WF turkey. I could not be bothered doing that this year because honestly we had just moved to the goat farm and its not exactly a gourmet kitchen. Its pretty hideous, and not anything like the expansive granite clad gourmet kitchen at the Faux Chateau, which is the only thing I miss about that place.... Well I miss that AND the shower and the non egg smelling water, and lost of other stuff. SO I was not inspired to cook and then have to throw my dishes into the BROWN COATED dishwasher YUCK.

With any luck, Next year I will be in my own gourmet kitchen in my new house, all decked out in artisan tiles by Habib, and I can rock out a killer Thanksgiving. This year I am kind of sliding by.

SO then after we cleaned up dinner and took naps and stuff and put Spencer to bed, then Bill let the two dogs out once more before bed time. Then THE INCIDENT occurred, and I am not sure what happened.

IT all started this morning, when Missy the freak dog Beagle who has been a total escape artist lately, took off to the dairy farm across the street early this AM and Bill had to chase her like a mile thru cow fields, past a llama, an ostrich and a horse also. She ran almost to the Alpaca farm!!!! SO tonight, Bill put her on the tie out leash this time, and it was attached to a stake in the ground. they were over in the big field near the second barn. Well she was running all over and Amy the dog got caught up in the leash and somehow the top part of the stake caught on what would be the dog equivalent of her elbow I guess and her dog elbow got all messed up and a big cut happened.

SO at 9:00 pm we got Spencer up in his jammies, threw him in the van along with the dog and headed to the Emergency Vet. SHe needs stitches and they kept her overnight and we will get her in the AM. She is gonna be fine but out of commission for a few weeks. There were a couple of families there too with their injured pets, and a lot of the kids were also in their jammies. I guess no one expects to go to the vet on Thanksgiving. I managed to get Spencer totally dressed but forgot his shoes as we were running out the door. SO there you go. He had his outfit, his coat, his blankie and bare feet. I carried him into the vet though.

Amy the dog is gonna be fine. SO far Missy is not sick from all of the butter she ate.

yet another crazy holiday with the Chapin Family, but at the end of the day, I still would not want to be anywhere else. I got the entire week off my work, so that was great but I have to spend it filling out claim forms. But we are almost done with all of that crap. We are amining to get the house torn down and construction started by Christmas. We have pretty much picked the builder.

Well I have to get some sleep so I can pick up Amy the WOnder Dog in the AM.

HAPPY THANKS GIVING!!!!!!

I am very very thankful for many many things. I have a great husband, a beautiful son, two great dogs, incredible friends, great bloggers, and so much to look forward to. I complain a lot but I have no right to. I do not even give a crap about the house right now. OR the letters that we keep getting from the city of Canby telling us we need to tear the house down.

Tomorrow we are going to get up early and drive to the Pearl District and pick up our totally cooked organic turkey dinner from Whole Foods. The only thing I am cooking is the cranberry sauce. I was going to make pumpkin bread but get this, I went to the store tonight and they ran out of canned pumpkin.

What are you all thankful for?

THANKSGIVING MASTER THESPIAN - ITS EARLY!!!!!

Since many of my fans ( ha ha) will be over the river and through the woods on the actual day that we usually do Master Thespian I am doing it early this week.

SO In honor of his big ongoing fued with FABIO the first actor I have chosen is none other than

GEORGE CLOONEY the total hunk of all time!!!!

SO you can find all the info on George HERE:

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000123/


Then for the actress:

I have chosen another one of my favorites:

MERYL STREEP:

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000658/

These two people are not only probably the best looking actors I have ever seen on a screen, but also the most talented. SO these are my fav moments from some of their movies.

FOR GEORGE:

from Ocean's Eleven

Rusty: You'd need at least a dozen guys doing a combination of cons.
Danny: Like what, do you think?
Rusty: Off the top of my head, I'd say you're looking at a Boeski, a Jim Brown, a Miss Daisy, two Jethros and a Leon Spinks, not to mention the biggest Ella Fitzgerald ever!


Tess: You're a thief and a liar.
Danny: I only lied about being a thief, I don't do that anymore






FOR MERYL:

from The Devil Wears Prada:

Miranda Priestly: Is there some reason that my coffee isn't here? Has she died or something?

from One True Thing:

Kate Gulden: It's so much easier to be happy. It's so much easier to choose to love the things that you have, instead of always yearning for what you're missing, or what it is that you're imagining you're missing. It is so much more peaceful.

from Postcards from the Edge:

Doris: I was such an awful mother... what if you had a mother like Joan Crawford or Lana Turner?
Suzanne: These are the options? You, Joan or Lana?


from Out of Africa:

Karen Blixen: Perhaps he knew, as I did not, that the Earth was made round so that we would not see too far down the road.



OKAY SO NOT IT IS YOUR TURN!!!!! AND DO NOT wimp out just because it is Turkey Day or you need to go SHOPPING...

PICTURE OF UNNAMED DOG

THIS DOG NEEDS A NAME.
CAN YOU FIND IT YOUR HEARTS TO HELP?????

EVERYBODY SAMBA!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjGMTE60D1g&feature=related


Extra special video for all of you I cfoulod not figure out how to post this onto my blog directly

Oh and that is Bill in the background. Playing the cowbell. The man has some MOVES.

UH OH...... NOT AGAIN!!!!!!!

http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071118/NEWS01/71118025/1001/NEWS

Apparently Detroit is the Most Dangerous city again. To be honest I have not lived there for ten years. but i hate to hear this about my home town. But. then. Its not totally unbelievable to me. Detroit you could say they really INVENTED crime you know? Or Reinvented it. Young Boys, Inc, Coleman Young, Barbara Rose Collins, The Detroit School Board with their Limos, people dropping cinder blocks off of freeway overpasses and killing people. Ed Mcnamara. I do believe the first CARJACKING took place there. Tonya Harding whacking Nancy Kerrigan.... Its a long proud heritage. The economy is tanked there and has been for a long time..

So You know. Whatever..... Those other cities should feel lucky to even make the list.

GREAT house for rent in Wilsonville, OR

Why, its almost like, uh uh a FAUX CHATEAU.

http://portland.craigslist.org/clc/apa/481219160.html

There are a few pieces of info missing from this ad, however... Crazy toxic old ladies might peek thru your windows, oh and try not to talk on the phone too loudly outside on Saturday afternoon, OR please do not leave your garage door open any longer than it takes to pull your car. ANd I hope you do not plan to put BOTH of your cars into the garage. OH and I hope you do not have any kids. Also do not put your garbage out too early, and try not to mess up the WHITE CARPETING that covers almost every room. Any or all of these violations could result in a call to the homeowner's association, or maybe the police.

I hope whoever moves in has OCD, no kids, a quiet voice, one car and a great attorney on retainer.

LOOK!!!

Overfunded Public School Forced To Add Jazz Band

MANALAPAN, NJ—Benjamin Harrison Middle School faculty members regretfully announced Tuesday that, despite their best efforts to prevent it,...

Blues Haikus

tydwbleach said...

We now live on goat
farm. More serene than Fake France.
Almost too serene.

Well water is quite
interesting. Chock full of
minerals I guess.

The house is kooky
but its not forever so
kooky is okay.

In Laws here for two
weeks. Spencer loves them
so much. We all do.

Much to do for the
legal case. Learning a lot.
Mediation soon.

11:23 AM

tydwbleach said...

P.S.:

Bill got new alarm.
Plays cds. Woke to Muddy
Waters "I'm a man."

Yesterday woke to
John Lee Hooker's "Mama Talk
to your Daughter ." ARRRGH!

I 've got the Blues, day
and night. Hear it in my sleep.
Literally. BLECCCH.

Have theory about
the Blues. Sad Music, bad to
dance to. Girls hate this.

That's why Bluesmen are
so sad. They're lonely. THEY SHOULD
sing HAPPIER songs.

Happy songs make girls
want to dance, come to gigs, and
DATE the bluesmen, see?

Bill does not accept
this theory. Says I do not
know 'bout anything.

Says he will get huge
bloodhound, and name it "Bootsie
Collins." Now I'm blue.

WE stioll have no internet at the house,

But we are working on it.

We just misplaced some box or modem or router or internet thingy and its in the exploded house and Bill is gonna go get it today he thinks.

Tomorrow at 2:30 PM we have a meeting with The Justice League at the Hall of Justice ( with Joel and another lawyer, at Joel's office)

I know Spencer is always welcome at the meeting but I am hoping that Bill's parents can babysit him so that we will not have to bring him. He is a pain at Joel's office.

WE are going to see if it is worth pursuing the Wilsonville Fascists, and also talk to Joel about other house stuff.

I am at work, and I cannot really do MASTAH THESPIAN until I am at home and I will not have internet until Bill finds that box thingy. But he should find it soon OR at least get a replacement soon.

Yesterday we had our conference with Tammy Faye at Preschool. We learned NOTHING. She did not even have the stuff with her, and she had forgotten about the meeting ALso she was anxious to hurry it along, and all she told us is NOT to worry, Spencer is fine, he is very smart, he is socially and emotionally a little behind, but he is still young, but he is great and his table manners are improving. He should take Swimming lessons this winter. He is very good with 3D things - like not drawing, but like building things - and she also thinks he has an aptitude for math.

I'll bet if we put Spencer on the case we would get the house built faster than what we are accomplishing now. However, what kind of house would Spencer build for us?

I suspect it would look a lot like Winnie The Pooh's house, with a big garage to house Scoop, Dig, Wendy, Roll-ey, Muck, Spud, Travis, Pilchard and Bird, and all of the other people on BOB THE BUILDER.

So maybe we should just let Drunk Guy build it. Remember Drunk Guy? He is the guy who built the house originally, and he showed up to the walk through with a case of beer. Then he opened it and started drinking, at 3:00 PM. Then he suggested we commit insurance fraud, by renting one of his duplexes and he would charge them extra rent and split the difference with us. Drunk Guy lives in a house the size of Montana, but apparently he needs an extra $250 a month from State Farm to make ends meet. We kept asking him what was his price to build the house and he kept asking us back, "What would you like the price to be?"


WE turned him down on the beer, the insurance kickback and then went home and bathed in Listerine until morning.

Moved to Goatless Goat Farm

No internet until Monday. But we still have it at the old house and we are here until the 10th. . I Will check in and post each time we are at the new house have to go pick up Bill's parents at the airpoprt now. GINGER PASSED THE BAR!!! AWESOME!!!!! WAY TO GO GINGER!!!!!

see you all later

What I did on Halloween...I hung with BOB.

I worked,until 1 and then I came home and called utility companies and arranged all of that crap At 3:30 we picked up Spencer from Preschool and then we went to the store for some last minute items for Halloween. Then we came home, ate dinner, and then got Spencer ready in his costume. On the way to the party he fell asleep in the back of the van hahaha but then Bob the Builder woke up and went out trick or treating. I gave out candy while Morman Dave and his family and Bill and Spencer and a few other kids went out around the neighborhood. I always stay to give out the candy I love seeing the kiddies in their little costumes. THen I saw the kids who are my co workers...The Merediths - who are Matt's kids, and they have been talking for WEEKS and weeks about their costumes etc. and when they came to Dave's house I asked them all what they were. Naked Nate comes into my office EVERY DAY and tells me that for Halloween he was going to be CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW so when I saw him tonight I asked him about 30 guesses as to what his costume was hahahaha He finally said I AM CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW hahahah Poor Nate. He's only two I should not pick on him but he was sooo sweet.

I love those kids they are so crazy. Then I guess Spencer went to Matt's house and when he came to the door they were like ITS BOB!!! BOB THE BUILDER!!! and SPencer just was SO excited. hahah He got a pumpkin container full of candy, and he was SOOO happy and proud of himself. He had a blast with Morman Dave's kids, esp his little buddy Austin who was Spiderman.

AND THEN we came back to Morman Dave's for hot cider and cookies. We had a great time!!! AND THEN, we drove out to the goat yard to sign the lease and go over stuff with the guy, who is SO SO nice and mellow. He is leaving us (to use) his washer dryer, his riding mower, all this stuff that he does not feel like moving and that we could use. He appreciates not having to move it and we appreciate the use of it. He did take the goat, but he said we could get one of our own for 10 months, and then he said we could take it to his parents when we are done with it.

Bill's parents are coming on Friday and staying for two weeks. They are going to help with the move and also watch Spencer while we move stuff etc. They love Spencer so much, and he is crazy about them. So that should be fun. I am a LITTLE worried that hte house is on a fairly busy road, but we are going to keep Spencer mostly in the BACK YARD and also put up some safety stuff.

The house is kooky but its cool It has well water and a wood buring fireplace in the kitchen, and all this land its really cool I will not miss the icemaker and the squirty thing on the sink. SO we move tomorrow. I am NOT SURE when I will have the internet back - it might not be til FRIDY BUT I will write as soon as I can, and then if I have to postpost Master Thespian we will do it ASAP/

SO HOW DID everyone's halloween turn out???!

Grey Gardens

THis is Little Edie explaining one of her crazy outfits.

Cool new blog - GREY GARDENS NEWS

Revently I discovered the movie Grey Gardens. it is now a musical on broadway but it was a Cinema Verite type documentary in the mid 1970s. If you have never seen it or heard about it, it is about a mother and daughter who lived in the Hamptons. The mother was known as Big Edie Beale, and she was the sister of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis' father. Her daughter was Little Edie Beale. Together they lived in complete squalor in this mansion called Grey Gardens one block from the ocean in the Hamptons. They lived there with 52 cats, a bunch of raccoons in a big old house that was falling apart around them.

In other words, this would have been my life (sort of) had I stayed in GP with my mother and I had not met and married Bill. We seriouly did have the raccoons, the cats and the falling apart house. My mother was also very much like Big Edie, in that in her eyes, my purpose in life was to keep her company, and also in many other ways.

However, I somehow escaped, barely. Poor Little Edie did not. Anyway it is a interesting if not bizarre movie. The whole BEALE saga is in vogue again, and there is a lot of interest in the movie and these two women, though both are long dead.

This one guy has a blog about it. http://greygardensnews.blogspot.com/

Who is this? Your dealer??

Old Glory Insurance.. For when The Metal Ones come for you

Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people's medicine for fuel.

I got a fever. And the only cure is... more cowbell......

Two Green Acres is (are?) the place for me!

Its official, We signed the lease today, and on November 1 we will be moving to the GoatYard. I cannot wait to meet Mr. Haney., Mr. Drucker and Arnold Ziffle!!!

Our Landlord, Lt. Major Douchebag, will not let us exit the lease ten days early, but that is OK.

He can KISS MY GRITS!

BUH BYE Fascist France, and the Butler's pantry (along with psycho neighbors)!

HELLO, 1972. Its okay. I grew up in the 70s. I don't have any hang ups about it, man. Hang Ups are just not my bag. I can Keep on Truckin for the next ten months.

Plus there's a GOAT!!!!!! COOL!!!!! Uh I mean,. Far Out.

FIR POINT FARMS PUMPKIN FESTIVAL was on "GOOD MORNING AMERICA" TODAY!!!!!

I am sitting on my bed. I am figuring out which NERDWEAR outfit to wear to work. Suddenly on Good Morning America, (which I constantly watch while flipping also to the TODAY SHOW) they are talking about a 1000 lb pumpkin being dropped onto a van or something, for entertainment at a Fall Festival. Well, that sounds familiar..........

IT IS FIR POINT FARMS!!!!!!!

Home of the CORN CANNON and the GIANT PUMPKIN WEIGH OFF and the worlds truly most delicious Cider.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUdV9J1PL94

Last year everyone was mad when they started charging for parking.. Now we are probably going to need reservations or something.

Its a great place to visit, and I seriously stop in there all of the time to buy produce, and herbs, and weird jams and stuff, and of course, when especially bored, we take Spencer to the petting zoo to feed the goats and chickens and all of those other whatever those things are they have there...pigs, sheep, turkeys. I don't know.

I suppose now there will be a waiting list for the petting zoo, and they will charge like three hundred quarters for a handful of goat food or whatever is in those machines. Life in the National spotlight has its drawbacks....

But soon Spencer is going to have his own goat, So Uhmmm... You know.... Besides, Giant Pumpkins and corn are just so LAST SEASON.....

Seriously, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Oregon, but I will NEVER EVER understand what passes for entertainment in this town:

READ ALL ABOUT IT HERE: http://www.firpointfarms.com/events.htm

Poll thing not working so I'll do it THis way....

What would you call a TV Show about our life this past year?

Six Utilities, Four Contractors and a Goat
8 Simple rules for Digging for Fiber Optic Lines
My Exploding House
Will the Real Tortfeasors Please Stand Up?
MTV True Life: I live in a Fascist State
Three and a Half Cars.
One Family, Three Dogs and a Lawyer
My Two Landlords
Extreme Home Makeover Canby Edition
CSI: Portland – Utilities Victims Unit
Little Exploding House on the Prarie
Popcorn Lung: A Plague Upon the Land
Are You Smarter Than a Telephone Company Subcontractor?
America’s Funniest Home Litigations
Faster Higher Farther: A Lifetime Moment of Truth Movie
Desperately Bored Old Housewives
Guitar Parts In Trees
Who Wants to Fill Out Forms All Day?

My FAVORITE section of the New York Times....

IS called METROPOLITAN DIARY

Here is a sample:

METROPOLITAN DIARY

Published: December 4, 2006

DEAR DIARY:
I was trying on clothes in Filene's, on Broadway and 79th Street, when I overheard the following conversation between a mother and child in the next cubicle:
''I like this cage, Mom.''
''It's not a cage, dear. It's a dressing room.''
''You look great in that dress, Mom.''
''No, I'm not getting it. I don't look good in pink.''
''But I love it. You could just wear it when we're home alone.'' Eva Oppenheim

Dear Diary:

While waiting for friends at a local restaurant, this is the conversation I heard while the barmaid was uncorking a bottle of red wine:
Patron: ''Do you have to chill red wine?''
Barmaid: ''No, only white wine.''
Patron: ''Why do you chill white wine?''
Barmaid: ''Because it's like Coke.'' Louis T. Iacovino Dear Diary:
Waiting to order in the bagel store, I noticed that the man in front of me was buying some prepackaged nova.
I asked him if he'd had it before. He said he had.
I asked, ''How was it?''
He answered, ''For an emergency, it was O.K.'' Alice Brickner

Dear Diary:
Pickup lines have to change with the times. One of the best I heard recently occurred around twilight one Saturday evening as a sport-utility vehicle was rounding the corner of Second Avenue and 52nd Street.
A pretty young girl at the corner was chatting on her cellphone, waiting for the light to change. A young man leaned out the passenger window of the turning car and said: ''Hey. You going to be on that phone long?'' Carol Lippert Gray

Dear Diary:
While waiting for the light at the corner of 23rd Street and Second Avenue, I became aware of a group of preschoolers obviously out on a class trip.
Instead of the usual all-hold-hands drill one is used to seeing, they were tethered to one another with those bungeelike cords that strap things to the roofs and backs of cars.
When the light changed, the teacher in the lead yelled, ''Go!'' and the kids crossed the street like miniature climbers scaling a horizontal mountain, leaving a sidewalk of grinning adults in their wake. Mary-Ellen Banashek

Dear Diary:
When my daughter started violin lessons at age 4, someone told her the old line about how the way to Carnegie Hall is ''practice, practice, practice.'' She immediately responded, ''No, it's not. You take the 104.''
Her lessons were at the French-American Conservatory in the Carnegie Hall building, and that is the bus we always took. Elizabeth Kopczynski Moore


Dear Diary:
Recently, my parents were visiting from California and we went to a Sunday matinee. Afterward, my dad wanted to go to Sardi's for a drink. Once we got settled at a table, I went to the bar and stood next to a couple sitting on the end as I ordered the drinks. ''Three Stoli Bloody Marys, please.''
The couple looked at me and then turned in unison to see where I had come from, spotting my parents. I said, ''I bet you thought I was going to drink all of those myself.''
The woman said, ''I was going to say it must have been a pretty bad show!'' Beth Hallo

Dear Diary:
I had just moved from California to the Upper West Side, and was in a neighborhood store, purchasing some plants for my new apartment. In front of me in line were two older New York couples.
The wife of the first couple said to the man behind the counter: ''Got anything for squirrels? I don't want to kill them; I just want to scare them away.''
To which her husband replied: ''I want to kill them. What do you have to kill them?''
The second couple, behind them, interjected, ''Where do you live?'' It was determined that they all lived within one city block of each other.
The next question: ''What does your squirrel look like?'' After some discussion, it was agreed that it was the same squirrel.
''That's him,'' wife No. 2 said. ''He's got a feisty stance, and beady eyes.'' To which her husband then suggested: ''Let's kill him together.''
The man behind the counter said, ''We're not killing squirrels here, ladies and gentlemen. This is Manhattan. We all got to get along.'' Naomi Starkman

Dear Diary:
I was walking to work this morning when I saw a huge group of out-of-town students filling the street corner on Eighth Avenue and 56th Street.
As I was squeezing my way by them, I saw two teenage girls looking up Eighth Avenue at the start of Central Park. One girl turned to the other and asked, ''Is that the end of the city?'' Alice Oglethorpe

Pics of Spencer with his Surfer Dude Cousins

Spencer is still with Bill in SO CAL and he and Bill and Bill's parents all went to visit Bill's sister Tamara in Orange County yesterday, about 2 hours south of Bill's parents house. She lives in like Capistrano Beach like three blocks from the ocean and her three boys, Dylan, Chase & Tai are all surfers. Spencer had a riot hanging with them ,and I could not believe my eyes when I saw these pictures, because when I first met the youngest one? He was a year old.

They are HUGE now!!!! I look at that pic of the four of them together at the doorway, and I cannot believe it. Spencer is gonna grow up to be that tall one day. SCARY!!!!!

Where were you when it happened?

I am not sure how we are supposed to try and remember or memorialize or celebrate this day that most of us will never forget.

I know that Bill had been up all night building a guitar for deadline I mean ALLLL night. In fact the guy whose guitar it was was there WATCHING Bill finish it until like 3 AM... Bill's customers.. what can I say about them? They are a small but deeply dedicated and disturbed following. WE SPENT THE NIGHT at the shop - well, I did I fell asleep in the futon in the back waiting for him to get done..

Two years earlier we had decided to give up TV and so we did not have one. I was up doing homework(writing like my fifth paper that week ) UGH U o P hahahah for a long time and then I just crashed waiting for Bill to get done with work. He stayed up all night and still had stuff to do in the morning. IT was Tuesday and our normal day for Doggie DayCare for Riley was on Thursdays, but Bill called the dog lady and asked if she had room to keep Riley all day today.. He was driving Bill insane because for some reason he was going CRAZY Barking and jumping and just really losing it. Her reply was weird to Bill. She said "Well, I guess he would be safe here. We are not next to any national monuments or tall buildings...."

HUH? THen she asked Bill if he knew what was going on. "NO I was up building an instrument all night and Liz fell asleep on the futon in the back."

" Oh well turn on the TV The United States is under terrorist attack, the WTC was blown up and the Pentagon etc..."

SO Bill takes the dog over to the lady and then comes back and wakes me up and tells me this. I was like HUH?????


It was only MUCH LATER when we realized that Bill had been scheduled to take a trip to NYC that weekend, but he and his friend Scott had canceled the trip. I booked it. I told them to stay in midtown, and also to fly in and out of Newark because its easy to get to from Penn Station, which would be near their hotel. They were going there to buy gear for Scott, like at all these great music stores there, and also vist a couple of friends at the Berklee school or whatever. They were going to fly out on Thurs night and leave on MONDAY but then they wanted an extra day to shop, and the stores were all closed on Sunday SO they decided to leave Tuesday AM. Their flight?

United 93, out of Newark, non stop to San Francisco.

They DID NOT GO Thank God. They both got too busy, Bill more than Scott, then I remember Scott being kind of pissed off that Bill did not plan better so they could take the trip. Had he been on that plane, and called me from it. I never would have answered the phone, because I am a reallly sound sleeper. SO it would have been a distraught phone message I would have gotten long after the fact. Esp since we did not have television. And there would have been NO SPENCER, and who knows if I would have lived thru all of that? Bill is a HUGE pain in the ass, and we pick at each other a bit, but I could not, and would not want to, live without him.

In fact I got all my news about 9/11 initially from Greg Kihn's radio show that AM. Then we drove to Scott's house and watched his TV. That was the first time I ever heard a news reporter say "Holy SH*T" on tv.

What I remember MOST about that day was the fact that our shop was kind of on a flight path to San Jose airport. There were always tons of planes going by and they were really really loud You almost did not hear them after a while, until that happened. then it was WEIRDLY quiet.

I cannot imagine what those people and their families went through, especially all of those first responders. When I think of the people on those planes, and those firefighters walking up those stairs when everyone was running out...

It was pure terror, and for NO REASON. The only thing since that has ever gotten me as angry and horrified was that Beslan school hostage shooting thing.

Uh Oh..... Here come the Ping Pong Balls!!!!!!

Does anyone remember Captain Kangaroo? Mr Moose? Mr Green Jeans?

I LOVED that show. I was born in 1965. I am ANCIENT... btu I loved The Captain. Watched it every morning. But then, I was also in love with both Mr. Rogers and Phil Donahue.... Seriously. I was.

Oregon's new state motto: "COME GET LOST IN OREGON!"

What is it exactly about this place that people come here for vacations, get lost on roads, or in forests or up on mountains and just never come back???

Since I have lived here there have been many cases of people getting lost here. There were the climbers on Mt Hood this past year http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16262193/ who were looking for adventure, but found out too late that Mt Hood is not for the novice. There was the heartbreaking story of the Kim family http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/12/06/missing.family/index.html on vacation with their two kids who were visiting family and then wanted a quick fun getaway to the coast and ended up stranded on the forest when they took the wrong road. In that case, the mom and the kids survived but the dad, sadly did not make it. , There was a priest and his female friend, who drove up from CA and crashed into a ditch at the side of the road, and no one discovered them for three weeks. They both perished. There was a guy who came for a wedding and drove from Portland to the coast and never really made it. There was a guy who took a wrong turn on a road they usually close for the winter in his motorhome, and they closed it for the winter after having discovered that they had forgotten to put the sign up. He died in his motorhome, which got stuck int he snow, but they found this diary he kept and he could not fugure out why no cars had come by that he coulf flag down for help. Now they just found this lady who was lost for two weeks. http://www.koin.com/Global/story.asp?S=7038633&nav=menu494_1 She and her husband were following some scenic route or historic trail or something and they ran out of gas. They both set off on foot to get help but she got thirsty and went to look for water while he kept going. They found him, fine and then it took them two weeks to find here. She was 76, with a broken hip, but she is now in stable condition and doing okay.


I get why people want to come here, there is a lot of really beautiful scenery, the coast is gorgeous, and the weather is mild if you are not in the mountains. But, the mountains here are not bunny hills, and the forests are not small - they are deep and dark and dense and endless. On the coast there are high and rocky cliffs, and NO ONE swims in the ocean here, it is just too cold. In the summer you can explore tide pools or go whale watching or whatever but that is about it. THe Pacific Ocean is freezing freezing cold, even in CA. THe only place it is really warm enough to swim is Southern California. The roads here in Oregon are not easy to navigate and there are thousands of miles of Oregon that are just uninhabited by people.

The point is, if you are going to come here and explore, think twice, or use a guide. Even the maps are not always accurate. Also do not take any roads that you think may be shortcuts, or that you have been advised to stay off of. Also maybe if you want to come here to hike and explore BE PREPARED. Make sure you have all the correct equipment, and even some stuff you don't think you will need, just in case.

One time on our first trip here,l early in our marriage, it was our anniversary and we were at the coast. We were staying at this nice hotel but it was in an isolated town with one restaurant. We wanted to go to a different restaurant, and so we drove there. On the way home, it was getting dark, we were running out of gas, and we got hopelessly lost on this forest road. There was NO CELL PHONE signal, and ONE radio station that was some public station who had this woman who sangs these horrible songs about her cat. So weird. We both thought that this state is SO WEIRD we are NEVER going to live here... We eventually found our way back in the dark but we had some TENSE MOMENTS and it could have turned out badly. As we drove thru the state on that trip I remember thinking:

1. HOW DID Lewis and Clark EVER get through this???
2. These trees are SOOOOO tall.
3. There is no cell service, there are NO GAS STATIONS, just bait shops and drive thru espressos!!!! There is NO WAY of getting help if you are stranded....


SO you have been warned... Come and visit our beautiful state, but be prepared.

Ever get a song STUCK in your head?

I do.

Special Torture!!!!!

The annoying songs today for me were:

1: R.E.M. MAN ON THE MOON

2. The theme to the horrible PBS Kids show DRAGON TALES

The first is not bad until you are like running it endlessly all day... the second is like some kind of virus.

SO Tell me.... what songs get stuck in YOUR head??? Anyone? Buehler? Anyone?

One more day off, then its back to the Rat Race.

Today we spent most of the day in Canby at the 'Sploded House, writing down items on a list that we will claim to the insurance co. THese are things that were damaged in the explosion and/or by the subsequent fire, collapse, or water to put out the fire. Because there was a LOT of stuff in the garage, because we had been storing it there and in the bonus room above the garage, a lot of things were damaged. We were storing a LOT of things in thehouse in those two rooms because we were remodeling.

Take your average yellow legal pad, add one item per line. Fill the entire page... I have 34 pages of items. We must document what it is, where we got it, how much it was warth when new how much it would cost to replace it, and the model numbers etc if available. THen you ust PHOTOGRAPH everything. This is for 34 pages of stuff. Then that gets rewritten two places: Official clam forms, and also my own excel spreadsheet. You cannot IMAGINE how fun this is, especially with a three year old and the world's most obnoxious dog.

For example I found two sharpie marker pens, melted together. I found my peach bathrobe that was sort of silky nylon you know? it was a blob of goo because it MELTED in the dryer, along with a bunch of other items: a hat, a book, a tupperware, a crystal vase, a picture frame, a pair of shoes, guitar stuff, serving platters, tile we intended to install in the bathroom floor like three days after the explosion - melted wastebaskets toys of Spencer's... melted Jeep Glow in the dark Basketball... You sit there with your "life" around you and its all a big giant ball of melted goo. But then I look around and Spencer is amusing himself on some old toy of his that he found, and Bill is yelling at the dog for the 41st time to get out of the neighbor's water feature fountain thing, while also going thru a giant box of melted cds, and I am just you know bored, tired, hot, etc but honestly? Life did go on. Life goes on with a lot of stuff missing. No one got hurt Its a HUGE hassle and inconvenience and some days I am despondent and others I am murderously angry and other times depressed but there is NO WAY OUT You have to just slog thru all of that crap in teeny pieces and write it ALLLLLLLL down, and spend every extra minute doing it. THe hardest part is that all of the neighbor's houses that were affected have all been put back together again. They had a crazy but still okay summer and all are ready to go back to school etc Our house is still sitting there, boarded up, weeds everywhere, crap in the front yard, after FIVE MONTHS.

Nothing really to do but keep going, keep working at it, knowing the only way out of McFake McFrance, is Work on the pile and make the list, and try your best to CHOOSE to be happy, and work with your lawyer. Besides, the Dahlia Festival is still on, and soon will be the pumpkin festival. Also, Spencer DID get his cast off on Friday and his leg is healed so THAT is good. I wonder what they give out for Halloween here in the Faux Chateau land? My guess it would be Brie en Croute, caviar on toast points, and cold salmon in aspic.

Ten Years Since Princess Diana.....

Where were you when you heard about when she died? I do not know why I am so interested in this stupid story...

I had just registered for classes was about to get engaged and I was driving home from school I had stopped at my friend's office, whose husband is a chiropractor, and they had the news on. All we knew then was that it was an accident. Then later on I was still there and she had died. I heard it from NBC Brian Williams. It was so weird. No one could believe it.

Probably a lot of people do not care about this. I was sad at the time. Still makes me a little sad.

But then today we have to do more work on the Sploded House. What a nightmare THAT is. Right now, Spencer is trying to feed me blueberry pancakes that his Dad just made for us. Ten years ago there was Bill, but no Spencer I was still in Michigan had not even gotten engaged yet. That thanksgiving I went to Paris over Thanksgiving, and I went to the tunnel thinking it would help me understand her death or something. It did not. You know how it was? Weird that little overpass thing with the Statue of Liberty Flame torch thing over it was all littered with flowers and graffiti about her.. Yet the flowers were sort of rotting and smelled like sweet sick rotting flowers It was kind of macabre and gross.

Then I read a lot of those stupid books, and I became kind of an expert on it. so then it got kind of funny...
SO I would read one of these Princess Diana books, and then I would review it on Amazon.com.

Well Bill had a couple of friends who put out CDs and he had reviewed their Cds on Amazon. SOMEHOW I am not sure how but our reviews got mixed up... and under Bill's name there were all there Under BILL CHAPIN it had the reviews of like three cds.. all about music and resonance and music whatever and then all of my reviews of the ten Princess Diana books I had reviewed BUT it looked like HE had written them all... he saw that and FLIPPED OUT!. And his friends started teasing him about how much he loves those Princess Diana books. The especially liked the one where he said.. something like... " ANd this is the best one yet and I know because I have read them ALL....."

Poor Bill. I often wonder if he would marry me again, knowing what he would be getting into. I am too afraid to ask him....

I might have a problem......

IS there something that you buy just over and over again? I mean you buy it and then have it for two weeks and decide NO this one is not PERFECT I need this other one.... and then you buy that one and then you know lather rinse repeat...

For me, I have no idea why but it is two things.. though one I have conquered, the other I still struggle with.

For a log time it was planners.. yes planners, as in DAYTIMER, Franklin Covey... Imust have like 20 of them. When the house exploded Bill found them all over the house. I bought them for him too, One that would hold his phone one would hold his phone and palm pilot, ont that was smaller one that was larger. THen I had mine: I had a big one and it was too big, so I got a smaller one and itwas the perfect size but it did not hold my Palm Pilot so then I got a small one that did But then it looked so I don't know MANLY so then I got one that was more girl ish but it did not have a zipper So I needed a more girl one WITH a zipper... i was insane!!!!!!!!!

I finally found the Franklin Covey UNSTRUCTURE binder and though I am still nutty because I have two sizes of them, I have kept mine for over a year and not bought a new on in a looooong time.

What cured me was actually dealing with Franklin Covey, the company. I had ordered this UNSTRUCTURE on in pink once and it was so cute in the picture. When I got it it was uggo the color of Pepto Bismol SO UGLY so I called them and said that I wanted to return it.

I figured they would be nice to me because I had ordered SOOO many things from them in the past.. and they were so RUDE tey were like yeah ok whatever send it back. what ever. ARGH I was mad about this and that was my last binder. I hate to even look at the catalog now, and I still use that last one I bought.

My OTHER obsession is LL BEAN canvas tote bags. HOW MANY does a person need? I have so many and I get more every day it is SAD SAD SAD. BUT you know, I got over the planner thing... I finally have one I like, too.